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Funny/Off the Wall Quotes

"Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something. "
           [last words of Pancho Villa (1877-1923)]

"This isn't right, this isn't even wrong."
           [Wolfgang Pauli (1900-1958), upon reading a young physicist's paper]

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another direction."
           [General Douglas MacArthur (1880-1964)]

"There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full."
           [Henry Kissinger]

"Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams."
           [Mary Ellen Kelly]

"Admiration, n.: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves."
           [Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary]

"I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!"
           [Tom Lehrer]

"There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting"
           [David Letterman]

"The shortest distance between two points is under construction."
           [Noelie Altito]

"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
           [Douglas Adams]

"Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car."
           [Evan Davis]

"All power corrupts, but we need the electricity."

Black holes are where God divided by zero.
           [Steven Wright]

"If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?"
           [Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)]

"I can't complain, but sometimes I still do."
           [Joe Walsh]

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
           [Saint Augustine (354-430)]

"Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment."
           [Robert Benchley]

"I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didn't like it."
           [Samuel Goldwyn]

"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject."
           [Winston Churchill]

"Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing."
           [Robert Benchley]

"I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it."
           [Groucho Marx (1895-1977)]

"I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building."
           [Charles Schultz]

"When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: 'Whose?'"
           [Don Marquis]

"There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line."
           [Oscar Levant (1906-1972)]

Some days you're the dog, and some days you're the hydrant.

Disney World is the biggest people trap ever built by a mouse.

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.
           [Harold Coffin]

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
           [Groucho Marx (1890-1977)]

Why does the Air Force need expensive new bombers? Have the people we've been bombing over the years been complaining?
           [George Wallace]